At several points throughout my single girl adventures I’ve gotten this IDK feeling that comes over me…I feel like my soul is yelling, “When will I get this shit right?! A better question should be “will I ever..?” I have a tendency to go into every dating experience with high hopes. I try to keep a level head but ten minutes into the first date I’m either bored or texting my bestie like “nah this might be the one.” I try to keep a cool face but I haven’t quite mastered discretion when it comes to my facial expressions. Developing a cool calm exterior takes lots of trial and error and believe me based on error, I’m getting closer.
Along with dating, the hope factor takes on a whole new phenomenon. For instance i’m on a date canoodling and giggling at the bar, high of my maybe he’s “the one” buzz. Tequila shots of Don Julio swirling throughout my system is the perfect recipe to fuck with my judgement in determining what’s really going on here?!
Rambles: Is he gold or just gold plated? Is he the type of guy that’s can light your life up or dull it! Hey, remember be smarter P…
By date 2, sober and alert I already know what won’t work for me even if I deny it a few times after. Why universe must I always end up here?!
I try really hard to tell myself that every date won’t determine my love fate, if fate is really even a real thing…Although I could be a part-skeptic/dreamer I tend to over do it in the thought department. I’m guilty of planning full fledge relationships in my head. In the the past if I ever went on a really good first date I’d shamefully create ideas of what “we’ll” set out to do in our awesome future together. Bae-cation in Anguilla? Lizzie Mandler custom engagement ring? A small but opulent garden wedding or city hall nuptials and a jazz/reggae brunch reception? Brownstone in Brooklyn? Condo in LA and Martha’s Vineyard for our summer home?! Thanks to Pinterest I can visually fawn over these very tough decisions that’s just waiting in magic wind to be made…LOL
I’m pretty sure the point of dating is to narrow down what you want or don’t want in a companion. The thing is when you live in a settling society that threatens us to to “take” or “deal” with whatever, the pressure of time running out or a mother’s whining about your biological clock lays a rough surface of expectation. Making huge commitments with just anybody is not on my agenda, settling is a really gross feeling that I refuse to sit in. I see the regrets in a lot of women twice my age, I feel the weight of it in their lost hopes and dreams. I don’t want to live a life of “accepting” for the sake of just being with somebody.
I believe in that saying “when you know you know” and not only in dating but in all aspects of life and it’s choices. I believe our souls whether we’re connected to the messages or not, it has its own way of communicating our true intention and purpose. Some of us are fearless enough to listen to it and then there’s some of us who who don’t care.The truth will find a way to show itself in some form or another. So far I’ve followed the rules for way too long and I no longer have interest in living a life that doesn’t allow me to be my best self.
I’m beginning to look at relationships from a practical lens so I’m not naïve when it comes to the fairytale bullshit. Despite the odd’s relationships face, I do believe in falling head over heels even if it doesn’t last. I won’t deny myself from that enigmatic spark that can hopefully light up my core being and enrich my spirit. What’s the point in being in a relationship if it doesn’t challenge you to stand a little taller or brighter in a room? Material items/ vanity are cool but it doesn’t equate to someone adding to sprinkling more love to the gifts of that make you a better you. I’m not settling until we can stand alongside each other.
So universe, bring on the mediocre, bad dates, awkward dates and series of almost doesn’t counts for practice…when the universe decides I’m ready for the game changer/s in my life I’ll give in! Until then, Pinterest here I pathetically come lol…
Be good to you,