Growing up I rarely heard my parents curse. The word “shit” or “son of a bitch” would probably fly out on occasion as an expression of frustration like dropping something or loosing a parking but NEVER in casual conversation! That simply wasn’t their style but once in every blue moon, hearing them curse was a guilty treat. I’d cheese and chuckle in glee when hearing it. Fast forward and their twenty something year old baby girl has somehow become a product of potty mouth culture. The village outside of my curse free abode that was suppose to help raise this child actually helped to foster the less fucks given and said. …
I’ve been cursing for a very long time, since the second grade to be exact. I told this cock-eyed bully Jeremy, “Shut the fuck up!”it was such a free-fall feeling. He never got out of line with me again, I don’t know how but it rolled out of my mouth like I’ve been saying it for years. I could see how an 8 year old kid who probably only whispered curses was startled by hearing a quiet girl belt it out loud! A good “what the fuck” has been my blankie for years. In my time of frustration or without a care, that’s been my go to phrase to substitute for whatever I’m ranting or confused about. I suppose it’s my years of being observant or perhaps my very early interest in rap. Most girls were into Spice girls and Brandy, I was into Hov, Kim, Foxy and a little Lady Saw…a bit too early I guess. First time I heard Lil Kim’s “Queen Bitch” my heart kind of blushed in all her Brooklyn girl glory just talking shit in a very fearless candor. I wanted in, I wanted to have the freedom to say whatever came to heart but “Kim is a rapper P, she has reasoning, what’s your’s?
There’s a time and place and not all instances call for an outburst. It shouldn’t be a stretch to expand my vocabulary, I do it often actually. I’m very aware that I don’t have to curse at all but I like too and it just blurts out. In some cases I have control, work of course, handling business (a curse might get thrown in a meeting here and there) and in depth one-on-one’s (but again a curse could get thrown in there too…:( In a world of building relationships, making connections and dating, I go back and forth wondering If I should even care whether or not my cursing is a bit too much. Some people don’t flinch at it and then there’s others who get real quiet. In the past and present some guys have deemed it to be quite cunning or just fine. Yes, “fucking asshole” with a little spark of wit could be doting or normal to someone who understands my flair of discourse. A part of me feels a little guilty though, does it make me appear not lady-like or rough around the edges? I already have my reservations about what really classifies as being a lady but I’m on the fence about how or if my cursing reveals my pinned up aggression and the extent of how offensive it may come across.
Everybody has layers of things they mask, my spirit doesn’t allow me to. It’s as if I have this agreement with the universe to work things out. My growing pains shows itself up in so many aspects of my life forcing me to deal. One day I hope to lead a very zen like life where nothing is fussed about but i’m not there yet. It’s a process and I’m in the beginning stages, the #unraveling stage where a lot of shit is sufficed to the surface for me to dissect and resolve.
It takes a lot of trial and error for things to hit home so maybe you can understand why cursing has been such a refuge! Is it offensive? Maybe, and should I curb it a bit? IDK! I have an issue with conforming to make others comfortable, especially when I date. In the words of Auntie Mary, “Take me for who I am.”
Work in Progress xoxo