Real Gold…

At several points throughout my single girl adventures I’ve gotten this IDK feeling that comes over me…I feel like my soul is yelling, “When will I get this shit right?! A better question should be “will I ever..?” I have a tendency to go into every dating experience with high hopes. I try to keep a level head but ten minutes into the first date I’m either bored or texting my bestie like “nah this might be the one.” I try to keep a cool face but I haven’t quite mastered discretion when it comes to my facial expressions. Developing a cool calm exterior takes lots of trial and error and believe me based on error, I’m getting closer.

Along with dating, the hope factor takes on a whole new phenomenon. For instance i’m on a date canoodling and giggling at the bar, high of my maybe he’s “the one” buzz. Tequila shots of Don Julio swirling throughout my system is the perfect recipe to fuck with my judgement in determining what’s really going on here?!

Rambles: Is he gold or just gold plated? Is he the type of guy that’s can light your life up or dull it! Hey, remember be smarter P…

By date 2, sober and alert I already know what won’t work for me even if I deny it a few times after. Why universe must I always end up here?! 

I try really hard to tell myself that every date won’t determine my love fate, if fate is really even a real thing…Although I could be a part-skeptic/dreamer I tend to over do it in the thought department. I’m guilty of planning full fledge relationships in my head. In the the past if I ever went on a really good first date I’d shamefully create ideas of what “we’ll” set out to do in our awesome future together. Bae-cation in Anguilla? Lizzie Mandler custom engagement ring? A small but opulent garden wedding or city hall nuptials and a jazz/reggae brunch reception? Brownstone in Brooklyn? Condo in LA and Martha’s Vineyard for our summer home?! Thanks to Pinterest I can visually fawn over these very tough decisions that’s just waiting in magic wind to be made…LOL 
I’m pretty sure the point of dating is to narrow down what you want or don’t want in a companion. The thing is when you live in a settling society that threatens us to to “take” or “deal” with whatever, the pressure of time running out or a mother’s whining about your biological clock lays a rough surface of expectation. Making huge commitments with just anybody is not on my agenda, settling is a really gross feeling that I refuse to sit in. I see the regrets in a lot of women twice my age, I feel the weight of it in their lost hopes and dreams. I don’t want to live a life of “accepting” for the sake of just being with somebody.

I believe in that saying “when you know you know” and not only in dating but in all aspects of life and it’s choices. I believe our souls whether we’re connected to the messages or not, it has its own way of communicating our true intention and purpose. Some of us are fearless enough to listen to it and then there’s some of us who who don’t care.The truth will find a way to show itself in some form or another. So far I’ve followed the rules for way too long and I no longer have interest in living a life that doesn’t allow me to be my best self.

I’m beginning to look at relationships from a practical lens so I’m not naïve when it comes to the fairytale bullshit. Despite the odd’s relationships face, I do believe in falling head over heels even if it doesn’t last. I won’t deny myself from that enigmatic spark that can hopefully light up my core being and enrich my spirit. What’s the point in being in a relationship if it doesn’t challenge you to stand a little taller or brighter in a room? Material items/ vanity are cool but it doesn’t equate to someone adding to sprinkling more love to the gifts of that make you a better you. I’m not settling until we can stand alongside each other.

So universe, bring on the mediocre, bad dates, awkward dates and series of almost doesn’t counts for practice…when the universe decides I’m ready for the game changer/s in my life I’ll give in! Until then, Pinterest here I pathetically come lol…

Be good to you,

Pat xoxo

 

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Vex Money

 

 I want to see you, let’s have a drink…

*wink and blush emoji, what time?

what time  works for you?

8/8:30, Brooklyn? City?

Pick a spot and let me know?

Rambled thoughts with self!

Don’t you have an iphone? Google? Yelp dude, damn! Hate that shit! Ugh just makes me not even want to go anymore. Where’s the effort?

I’m hungry and I feel like drinking though, fuck it!

#Nodates drought OVER! ayeeeee

What am I going to wear? Shit I hate when guys hit you up out of the blue.

Play hard to get or just go on the date? Hmmm

DATE! (HA)

Weave on week 2, YAS! *stands at mirror and strokes hair!

What should I wear? Kim K type shit?! Can’t stand her ass but when it comes to date night looks, I can’t even act like she doesn’t serve!

Lemme go to Pinterest and search Kimye for some inspiration

Okay, simple but show boobs. MUST show boobs not too much boobs…and  HEELS!

Shit my feet are gonna hurt with these tonight, oh wells!

Gold rings and gold chains of course!

Outfit down! Shower next? hair next?

Is he picking me up? Meeting me? Paying for my cab? hmmm

Damn I wish I had a car to meet him? Fuck that, where would I park? Never any parking in Brooklyn anyway

I’ll lyft!

Let me scroll through instagram before I get in the shower

*ten minutes past, 

I’m playing around, omg I have to jump in the shower.

Actually let me check my account, I need to see if i’m good….

Gotta make sure I have back-up money just in case…

Waaaaaait WHAT? what did I buy? I hate bills..,why is my account so low? did someone fraud me? Omg I couldn’t have spend this much on food? Damn Capital One,  you’re NOW processing that charge? 

No P, you are not going into your savings, no no no!! It’s not that deep, they’ll be other nights, right God?

But what if tonight is the best night of my life? Cinderella type shit!

Girl bye!

Found a spot yet?

Don’t respond yet. 

You can’t go…

UGHHHHHH Really what if I just take a chance and hope the night goes smoothly. Hope might get me in some mess!

Ugh I want to get out the house and see him but this account is looking weak.  Maybe he’ll pay for everything? 

 Yeah he’ll take care ofeverything  BUT Nah, you never know! You can’t get caught out there!

What if he leaves his card? Looses his money or something? How would you look if you said ” sorry, I don’t got it.”  WACK!

So are you going to take the train 3:30 in the morning too?

Not a good look!

That’s NOT happening!  

Why couldn’t he hit me on pay day and not during the final stretch before payday? 

Ugh this shit sucks, it’s just gonna be a netflix and dry cereal night. Next time, if there’s even a next time, ugh!

Hey I’m going to have to cancel.

A little out of it, let’s reschedule:)

Ok…Cool…

Shit he probably thinks I’m not interested! I bet you next week he’ll be BUSY!

It’s whatever though because I’m not going anywhere without enough VEX money, anything can happen…

Be a smarter girl,

Pat xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

Little Girl Blue…

 

Won’t you just sit there
Count the little raindrops
Falling on you
‘Cause it’s time you knew
All you can ever count on
Are the raindrops
That fall on little girl blue

No use old girl
You might as well surrender
‘Cause your hopes are getting slender and slender

Why won’t somebody send a tender blue boy
To cheer up little girl blue

No use old girl

You might as well surrender/’Cause your hopes are getting slender and slender/Why won’t somebody send a tender blue boy/To cheer up little girl blue

– “Little Girl Blue,” Nina Simone

I attached myself to ideals for years, you couldn’t convince me that things wouldn’t work in my favor. By nine I’d planned my whole life ahead and all that I fantasized would stay with me for years…so much that I turned them into goals. With age brings conflict of our theories, I fussed over why fairytales we’re even read to little girls. Why set us up for false hopes if emulating the lives of princesses brought more dismay than shear joy? I couldn’t get past that paradigm…

I’d been sheltered from situations for most of my life.I grew up detached and oblivious to the complexities of the outside world for a very long time. I assumed that my perception that life got nothing but sweeter was the truth. I didn’t receive the tools to understand that I had to jump through obstacles and navigate situations on my own until very later in my growing years. I was protected by a mother’s love in alignment with her childhood fears. Innocent and proud, all she wanted was for her two gems to live the life she didn’t have as a child. If she could protect us from the aches of being a woman in the world forced to deal with the many challenges of creating a new lease on life, then she’d set out to believe it could be done…but what we hope for is often not practical. In that same vain of heart, her overprotective love played a part in limiting and delaying my ability to journey into my own being. Love her to the moon and back but I secretly blamed her, not anymore though. No victim shit here, I find peace in accepting that she just wanted to flip the script for us-but the internal work to re-write my story and live on my own accord will probably take a little longer…

I’ve fucked up a lot of opportunities for growth in my life believing in the ideals. It became habitual for me to fancy around the idea of assuming almost everything. Some advice to go a long way, assumption is dangerous. Trial and error is the perfect remedy to kill that vibe, I’m just now getting the hang of it. I got crippled in my beliefs of how things were “suppose to be,” to the point I became confused when people saw life and situations through their own lens.

The little girl in me has been naive to the ying & yang of life. I’ve struggled with accepting that things weren’t always going to be in my favor and every situation would sometimes have a way of balancing itself out. I’ve come to the realization that for instance, 1) there might not ever be a prince charming in my life because life isn’t a fairytale 2) Being in a relationship with me could be gratifying, a strong partnership or a lightning bolt of being with someone who lives with a deep rooted conviction to say or feel  whatever the fuck she feels, welps! 3) I got a glimpse into the fuckery, sometimes really strong girls rock out in relationships with dudes through the rough years and get axed out the picture as soon as success comes knocking. 4) I’ve witnessed that when you aim a little higher than getting the “city job” or the “safe job” or take the unconventional route, you either become the girl that’s either feared, respected, abandoned or all of a sudden to0 good. Too good for what though? Medocrity?! Amongst many belief systems, I had to disregard them and think anew about several possibilities. Most of the time everything isn’t promised to you…in fact nothing is. Life again is hard, confusing but manageable  if you know what role you’re going to play in it then claim it.

Some of us get in to this tangle on what area in our life we should push ourselves to become masters in. Not many own being a student of life where you’re forced to feel every good or bad hardship deeply. It’s uncomfortable and a road less advised to travel. In hindsight those are the ones who become masters of living the best lives. There’s a lot of pressure and expectation to have it all under control.Oour relationships, careers, finances, opinions just to meet societal standards at least half way is a gamble. To be vulnerable, fragile or bossy enough to challenge what’s expected is an oh no! We can’t be caught out there admitting, we’re trying to figure this whole life shit out right? Why, is that just too real?! So the facade coats itself thicker throughout the years leaving you on a silent spiral in keeping up with the joneses…

The choice to date, be in a relationship sometimes feels like it’s not even our own. We get into relationships with a foggy sense of self because we didn’t give ourselves enough time to decide our purpose or what we really want out of this life. To fill the void we cave, we cave out of a sense of hopefulness and desperation in not wanting to face the adversity of not rejecting the prototypes. You can take the life where you tell yourself someone is going to love you so much that they’ll erase the baggage before you do it on your own but remember life has it’s way of pinching you with regret.

I have no idea what path i’m on. Having to kill my beliefs that I could live happily ever after was hard but what a breakthrough to know I can create my own version of happy! I intend to live immensely, so deep that I’ll take the lonely days, misunderstood moments, including the dog days to challenge myself. No more sulking and no more waiting…love me or leave me I gotta be good with P first before anyone else…

Beautifully Human,

Pat

 




 

 

#Loveyourz

We grow up to believe that being a wife and mother solely define us. Even if the times have changed and more women are fighting for the same things that society hands men, our efforts to be strong leading women falls second in the eyes of our culture. We can aspire to have our businesses, money and success but never too big enough because our audacious lives shouldn’t emasculate a man’s ego. We are more valuable in the world if we celebrate our commitment to men. To be a certain age and be single deems strange, to not tie ourselves to a man defines us as being promiscuous, alone, bitter or my personal favorite, angry. We’ve been taught to need men oppose to actually wanting them. I’ve witnessed women sacrifice the fruits of their labor and their livelihood for the betterment of their partners. We’re a culture taught to stifle ALL the things we want so that men can be comfortable, now that makes me ANGRY. It’s so etched in our generational make-up that unlearning these ideals seem impossible for some. As long as we accept and conceal our uncomfortable relationships it becomes a norm, we tell ourselves this so much that we even train our loved ones to accept it as well.

If I’m guilty of anything in my life it’ll probably be that I’m WAY too passionate and too invested in wanting the world for women. I sometimes feel like a lone soldier carrying this “BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE” with or without a man, flag. I’ll admit I can work on my approach and delivery when ranting about this issue but the fire in me rises. We can post strong, independent quotes and captions on our social media pages but we don’t actually exercise living those lives for real because it’s too off the surface…

I want love like most women but I’m not naïve to the flaws that come with it, when the celebrations are over and the fanfare/well wishers vanish, what is left? Are we okay with the façade and the perception, WHY is it okay to play the good girlfriend/wife to conceal that we’re not really satisfied. We get so caught up we start to think sustaining a relationship can one-up the people around us. It’s like, fuck what you, you and you think, I got a man and you don’t…

I was recently advised to mind my business if I feel a woman chooses this to be her fate, I should basically respect their decision but in the spirit of sisterhood I’m hurt by that. I’m hurt that we have to keep these things hush to lull confrontation and project peace by not offsetting a male’s insecurity with all this talk because again stirring a man’s ego is more pitied than an unhappy woman. When the love and sacrifice isn’t reciprocated we have to just wait for things to turn around. I wish we expected more  from ourselves and our partners.

So I vow to no longer impose but I might unintentionally ruffle some feathers by being a victor in empowering girls to live the fullest life possible.

Love and light to all…always remember to #loveyourz (Thanks J.Cole)

Real Ones

 

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

 -Anais Nin

In your 20’s you come to terms with who you are every day. Some  ignore it and others deal with the grunt of it head on. It’s a fragile phase because you’re met with all facets of your self, the good, bad and ugly. In that haywire time of growing up and figuring life out, your support system could make or break you. I use to despise when older folks would school me with the “you are the company you keep” line. It was a phrase that I heard time after time, clearly they were filling me in on something I had to see myself.

I ran with a lot of girls, childhood friends, new friends, industry friends. I epitomized  #squadgoals before it was a hashtag. I loved having friends, I had no understanding of deciphering what type of friend they should be. I held every acquaintance dear to my heart, to my surprise it wasn’t always reciprocated. I did theeee most and slowly realized that was a big mistake.

I was friends with them ALL, the manipulators, the “I have an agenda only” friend, the “I want you to be great but not better than me” friend, the list goes on. I’m chuckling as to how shocked and heartbroken I became in realizing this (so green lol). Every year a friendhip faded out,  less friends meant the weight in my life got lighter.

When the smoke cleared, my #realones remained. No judgements, motives are false pretense. I can have real ugly cries about life shit and not feel like I have to watch my back because someone seen me have a vulnerable moment. My single adventures don’t get the judgmental side-eye, my asshole theories and jokes are respected LOL and my shortcomings aren’t strategically chopped and screwed for laughs. It’s rare to find friendships where everyone is cut from the same cloth, I’m blessed beyond measures:)

Our very candid conversations, struggles, aspirations, hurts, joys and unwavering love has helped heal some of my greatest emotional wounds. Our humor, oh our humor can cut like a knife…”misfits” type of humor has carried me in good spirits for years.The relationships with my core friends have allowed me to live a life where i’m in tuned with reality. I am always challenged and forced to shed my illusions. It’s a big part of why I chose to do this.

Writing about my dating escapades might be a lot to take in for some readers but living to find purpose and truth is all that I know-the truth in all it’s complex glory…So many girls don’t have that outlet in real life, i’ve seen some of the most bizarre facades live out between a lot of “friendships.”

So what if you been broke, scared, confused and embarassed. I had awful ends to dating, bad days or confused points in my life, shit I’m still confused. Life’s has its trials, just remember your on the road to something…discovering more and more of who you are.

There’s no filter in real life, so I write hoping to become a friend in your head, a resource to sigh relief so that you don’t feel insecure about the experiences that aren’t said out loud..
Pat:)

To Do or Not to Do…

There’s been a few early mornings I declined the opportunity for round 6 and breakfast in bed. At 5:45 I’m either calling a cab or nudging to be taken home. My excuse, “I gotta take care of something real early today”…It’s not because I wanted to leave but because I simply had NO choice (HUGE sighs).

When an intense force overpowers you a.k.a. “The Bubble Gut,” you just have to get up and GO!

As we all know It’s human nature to have to use the bathroom. It’s a VERY personal process. Some people have a schedule of when it happens and for others it can vary throughout. One thing that’s for certain is that when the royal flush calls, proceed!

When I’m spending the night I never want to bail so early. I actually enjoy rolling around the bed, pillow talks and spooning but when the “I have to use the bathroom” feeling shows up, it’s the only thing in that instance that calls the shots.

Why does it happen?! I’ve come to blame it on the depth of back and forth insertion topped with a variety of positions. I think my “let’s try this attitude” is why I’ve gotten myself into this uncomfortable situation. I have this theory that your body doesn’t take to well to moving and shaking all over the place:(  Universal note to self: ease up on bedroom acrobatics…sighs

As stressful as this is, it’s SO hilarious to me. Women hate talking about it. Face it, you go through these weird phases as a girl/women about things you’ll do or won’t do in front a guy. When I was really younger I would barely eat on dates. Starved and nervous, I’d order a chicken ceasar salad in attempt to look cute and dainty. HA! to the young naïve me because now “I’ll have the surf and turf and a glass or three of Riesling, thank you.” Then you grow the fuck up and it’s the other little frustrations that drive you crazy like whether or not it’s too early for him to see you fresh faced without mascara or  wearing a head scarf before bed. Omg what if he thinks I look crazy without my make-up? Will I turn him off with my boboshanti hair cap?! DECISIONS! At some point when you’re in a relationship these things are a given, you have to bare it all and if you or him can’t deal with peeling off the layers, get a grip! Even a #2 is acceptable, door open/“babe pass me some toilet paper” and all (SCREAMS) just becomes a norm.

Here’s the tricky part about having to #2 at a guy’s house though, when your dating/flinging or you’re in deep but still very early in a potential relationship, ugh that’s risky! You have so much odd’s up against you especially when you’re not in a totally comfortable place  with him yet. I always debate on whether it’s okay?! I think the beginning stages of getting to know someone is really crucial. Do I believe you should relish in being your awesome authentic self? Absolutely, but I think #2ing could be wayyyyyyy too awkward.

There was one evening I decided to spend a night out. I had a long work week and was in much need of the big O! I knew it would be a long night into the wee hours of the morning so I had already pre-planned to not to be a glutton and eat evrything in sight. I ate just enough to where I had energy and wasn’t reeling from a stuffed stomach. I had no time to be walking off in the distance to air fart LOL (don’t judge we all do it). After our sessions, sleep kicked in, between the sex and shots of Brugal I was KO’D. The next morning we made set plans to run some errands in the city so it was no running home for me. I had faith in my plan though. I had my bag packed for any precaution. Make-up, toiletries, a change of  clothing and my secret weapon just in case. A pocket sized miniature bathroom spray from Bath & Body Works and my peppermint Dr. Bronner’s soap. I thought the strong scents of those two alone were reliable enough to penetrate a pretty fragrance throughout a room so it would def overpower anything crazy. Even though I’m an avid water drinker you never really know, especially when liquor is in your system (sighs). I couldn’t afford the embarrassment in his humble abode. I would literally play like I collapsed than to have him catch a whiff.

So the sunrises and everything was calm, until my belly started growling. Figured it was hunger pains but after breakfast the belly growls got louder, oh the grumblings. WTF? He lives in Queens, there was no practical way I was getting back to Brooklyn in 15 minutes. I thought whatever, fuck it…I had all my supplies, I was just going to have to go for it.

While he was distracted by washing dishes and the television was on a high, I decided it was a perfect time to announce I was taking a shower. My random google search bookmarked from weeks prior helped me devise a game plan that was about to be tested.

During the walk to the bathroom I kept thinking “fuck, will it be quiet? Loud?  OMG why is life so hard” but as always GOOGLE came through in the clutch to rescue me!

These were the steps from the how to article…HA!

Covering the Sound “… you know he wont be going into the bathroom soon (perhaps because he already went) but the walls are paper thin.”

Turn up the radio/tv before you leave, saying that you love this song. Then after a minute of dancing or singing along, excuse yourself. Chances are, he’ll leave the radio up loud until you come back.

Tell him you are going to take a quick shower If it is appropriate for your situation, this is great because he thinks you are taking a shower. Turn on the shower to mask the sound of plopping. However, beware that:

The smell will be worse in a humid environment so use cold water

Flush as you plop. Pretty self explanatory. If its not going to be super weird for you to flush four or five times, then time your plops to the same time as the loud flushing noise. Beware: You must time everything properly! The loud part of the flush is not for a few seconds after you’ve pushed the lever.

Put some toilet paper into the toilet before you begin. This absorbs the plop and thus prevents that telling backsplash noise. Beware, it will smell worse if you use this method because the specimen is not submerged fully into the water.

Smell is a tougher thing to conceal. But sometimes its all you need to worry about because the area where he is sitting is far from the bathroom and the sound wont carry.

Use the bathroom spray or, barring that, perfume, before you drop one and after. Most people wait until after. Do not make this mistake.

Crack a window or light a match, but these are both telltale poop smell concealers.

Wait to go until right after he goes. If you can wait, it is best. That way, the smell has a chance to disappear by the time he needs to go in there again.

Take advantage if multiple flushes aren’t a problem. The less time poop is sitting in the toilet, the less chance it has to stink up the room.

Wooooooosah it worked! After I showered I walked out gracefully unbothered, no longer consumed with nervousness. There was no remnant of what went down and I was in the clear. As far as I know he never knew…may’be when he reads this though (cringing) LOL!

Some people may think all of this is too much but IDC! Some guys care and some don’t, either way this saved me some dignity!

Has this happened to anyone? Share your stories!!

 “New Year, no New Me..”

 Minutes before the clock struck 12, we were our 2015 selves…

Once the ball drops, things that were once complaints become goals to conquer and past disappointments become erasable in efforts to ring in a “new” lease on life. I get a real high off of clean slates, never do I want to feel like I’m in the same space. I’m guilty of professing the “new year, new me” slogan a few times but you can’t run from the stark reality that no matter how much you convince yourself, most of us are never really over our old selves. In fact we might never be, unless we admit it.

Scouring through the grumblings of the past is not something that feels good to to us so we all get a little comfortable in just sweeping shit under the rug…Whatever looks or feels good at the moment is enough to sever all we could work on to be better…I’ve gone on a tangent or two on my new year resolutions thinking that it’ll re-introduce me to the world as more refined and focused. None of that mattered though because my past still stirred itself emotions that’s pretty hard to shield. The truth is I’m not quite new, at least not yet.

For years I’d sing the tired song about just wanting a boyfriend. With trial and error, the list of dont’s got longer. The manipulative/angry/passive/jealous/dense and intellectually challenged guys didn’t make the cut. When things went south the weight of the failed attempts stayed with me, some more than others.

I got in the habit of taking on disappointments, internalizing the hurt when things didn’t work out. Self-doubt is a bitch, it creeps up, even on the most confident. Something about feeling not enough for a person digs at your soul, stays with you and shapes itself. Or feeling like time was wasted…”what are we and how did we get here?”

It’s only a matter of time that you put your guard up. I get the “you’re difficult” label a lot. I made a vow to myself to never get played again. So when I peep any inclination of game early on, I make it clear I’m not the one.

I thought, Stay woke P…but what happens when a great guy comes a long? Will you recognize it? Will he?

The scars of your past always finds itself in your present.

I’m not ready to be a girlfried/companion/partner…shit is still heavy and I have a lot to hash out… I’m just not ready.