To Do or Not to Do…

There’s been a few early mornings I declined the opportunity for round 6 and breakfast in bed. At 5:45 I’m either calling a cab or nudging to be taken home. My excuse, “I gotta take care of something real early today”…It’s not because I wanted to leave but because I simply had NO choice (HUGE sighs).

When an intense force overpowers you a.k.a. “The Bubble Gut,” you just have to get up and GO!

As we all know It’s human nature to have to use the bathroom. It’s a VERY personal process. Some people have a schedule of when it happens and for others it can vary throughout. One thing that’s for certain is that when the royal flush calls, proceed!

When I’m spending the night I never want to bail so early. I actually enjoy rolling around the bed, pillow talks and spooning but when the “I have to use the bathroom” feeling shows up, it’s the only thing in that instance that calls the shots.

Why does it happen?! I’ve come to blame it on the depth of back and forth insertion topped with a variety of positions. I think my “let’s try this attitude” is why I’ve gotten myself into this uncomfortable situation. I have this theory that your body doesn’t take to well to moving and shaking all over the place:(  Universal note to self: ease up on bedroom acrobatics…sighs

As stressful as this is, it’s SO hilarious to me. Women hate talking about it. Face it, you go through these weird phases as a girl/women about things you’ll do or won’t do in front a guy. When I was really younger I would barely eat on dates. Starved and nervous, I’d order a chicken ceasar salad in attempt to look cute and dainty. HA! to the young naïve me because now “I’ll have the surf and turf and a glass or three of Riesling, thank you.” Then you grow the fuck up and it’s the other little frustrations that drive you crazy like whether or not it’s too early for him to see you fresh faced without mascara or  wearing a head scarf before bed. Omg what if he thinks I look crazy without my make-up? Will I turn him off with my boboshanti hair cap?! DECISIONS! At some point when you’re in a relationship these things are a given, you have to bare it all and if you or him can’t deal with peeling off the layers, get a grip! Even a #2 is acceptable, door open/“babe pass me some toilet paper” and all (SCREAMS) just becomes a norm.

Here’s the tricky part about having to #2 at a guy’s house though, when your dating/flinging or you’re in deep but still very early in a potential relationship, ugh that’s risky! You have so much odd’s up against you especially when you’re not in a totally comfortable place  with him yet. I always debate on whether it’s okay?! I think the beginning stages of getting to know someone is really crucial. Do I believe you should relish in being your awesome authentic self? Absolutely, but I think #2ing could be wayyyyyyy too awkward.

There was one evening I decided to spend a night out. I had a long work week and was in much need of the big O! I knew it would be a long night into the wee hours of the morning so I had already pre-planned to not to be a glutton and eat evrything in sight. I ate just enough to where I had energy and wasn’t reeling from a stuffed stomach. I had no time to be walking off in the distance to air fart LOL (don’t judge we all do it). After our sessions, sleep kicked in, between the sex and shots of Brugal I was KO’D. The next morning we made set plans to run some errands in the city so it was no running home for me. I had faith in my plan though. I had my bag packed for any precaution. Make-up, toiletries, a change of  clothing and my secret weapon just in case. A pocket sized miniature bathroom spray from Bath & Body Works and my peppermint Dr. Bronner’s soap. I thought the strong scents of those two alone were reliable enough to penetrate a pretty fragrance throughout a room so it would def overpower anything crazy. Even though I’m an avid water drinker you never really know, especially when liquor is in your system (sighs). I couldn’t afford the embarrassment in his humble abode. I would literally play like I collapsed than to have him catch a whiff.

So the sunrises and everything was calm, until my belly started growling. Figured it was hunger pains but after breakfast the belly growls got louder, oh the grumblings. WTF? He lives in Queens, there was no practical way I was getting back to Brooklyn in 15 minutes. I thought whatever, fuck it…I had all my supplies, I was just going to have to go for it.

While he was distracted by washing dishes and the television was on a high, I decided it was a perfect time to announce I was taking a shower. My random google search bookmarked from weeks prior helped me devise a game plan that was about to be tested.

During the walk to the bathroom I kept thinking “fuck, will it be quiet? Loud?  OMG why is life so hard” but as always GOOGLE came through in the clutch to rescue me!

These were the steps from the how to article…HA!

Covering the Sound “… you know he wont be going into the bathroom soon (perhaps because he already went) but the walls are paper thin.”

Turn up the radio/tv before you leave, saying that you love this song. Then after a minute of dancing or singing along, excuse yourself. Chances are, he’ll leave the radio up loud until you come back.

Tell him you are going to take a quick shower If it is appropriate for your situation, this is great because he thinks you are taking a shower. Turn on the shower to mask the sound of plopping. However, beware that:

The smell will be worse in a humid environment so use cold water

Flush as you plop. Pretty self explanatory. If its not going to be super weird for you to flush four or five times, then time your plops to the same time as the loud flushing noise. Beware: You must time everything properly! The loud part of the flush is not for a few seconds after you’ve pushed the lever.

Put some toilet paper into the toilet before you begin. This absorbs the plop and thus prevents that telling backsplash noise. Beware, it will smell worse if you use this method because the specimen is not submerged fully into the water.

Smell is a tougher thing to conceal. But sometimes its all you need to worry about because the area where he is sitting is far from the bathroom and the sound wont carry.

Use the bathroom spray or, barring that, perfume, before you drop one and after. Most people wait until after. Do not make this mistake.

Crack a window or light a match, but these are both telltale poop smell concealers.

Wait to go until right after he goes. If you can wait, it is best. That way, the smell has a chance to disappear by the time he needs to go in there again.

Take advantage if multiple flushes aren’t a problem. The less time poop is sitting in the toilet, the less chance it has to stink up the room.

Wooooooosah it worked! After I showered I walked out gracefully unbothered, no longer consumed with nervousness. There was no remnant of what went down and I was in the clear. As far as I know he never knew…may’be when he reads this though (cringing) LOL!

Some people may think all of this is too much but IDC! Some guys care and some don’t, either way this saved me some dignity!

Has this happened to anyone? Share your stories!!

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