Won’t you just sit there
Count the little raindrops
Falling on you
‘Cause it’s time you knew
All you can ever count on
Are the raindrops
That fall on little girl blue
No use old girl
You might as well surrender
‘Cause your hopes are getting slender and slender
Why won’t somebody send a tender blue boy
To cheer up little girl blue
No use old girl
You might as well surrender/’Cause your hopes are getting slender and slender/Why won’t somebody send a
tender blue boy/To cheer up little girl blue
– “Little Girl Blue,” Nina Simone
I attached myself to ideals for years, you couldn’t convince me that things wouldn’t work in my favor. By nine I’d planned my whole life ahead and all that I fantasized would stay with me for years…so much that I turned them into goals. With age brings conflict of our theories, I fussed over why fairytales we’re even read to little girls. Why set us up for false hopes if emulating the lives of princesses brought more dismay than shear joy? I couldn’t get past that paradigm…
I’d been sheltered from situations for most of my life.I grew up detached and oblivious to the complexities of the outside world for a very long time. I assumed that my perception that life got nothing but sweeter was the truth. I didn’t receive the tools to understand that I had to jump through obstacles and navigate situations on my own until very later in my growing years. I was protected by a mother’s love in alignment with her childhood fears. Innocent and proud, all she wanted was for her two gems to live the life she didn’t have as a child. If she could protect us from the aches of being a woman in the world forced to deal with the many challenges of creating a new lease on life, then she’d set out to believe it could be done…but what we hope for is often not practical. In that same vain of heart, her overprotective love played a part in limiting and delaying my ability to journey into my own being. Love her to the moon and back but I secretly blamed her, not anymore though. No victim shit here, I find peace in accepting that she just wanted to flip the script for us-but the internal work to re-write my story and live on my own accord will probably take a little longer…
I’ve fucked up a lot of opportunities for growth in my life believing in the ideals. It became habitual for me to fancy around the idea of assuming almost everything. Some advice to go a long way, assumption is dangerous. Trial and error is the perfect remedy to kill that vibe, I’m just now getting the hang of it. I got crippled in my beliefs of how things were “suppose to be,” to the point I became confused when people saw life and situations through their own lens.
The little girl in me has been naive to the ying & yang of life. I’ve struggled with accepting that things weren’t always going to be in my favor and every situation would sometimes have a way of balancing itself out. I’ve come to the realization that for instance, 1) there might not ever be a prince charming in my life because life isn’t a fairytale 2) Being in a relationship with me could be gratifying, a strong partnership or a lightning bolt of being with someone who lives with a deep rooted conviction to say or feel whatever the fuck she feels, welps! 3) I got a glimpse into the fuckery, sometimes really strong girls rock out in relationships with dudes through the rough years and get axed out the picture as soon as success comes knocking. 4) I’ve witnessed that when you aim a little higher than getting the “city job” or the “safe job” or take the unconventional route, you either become the girl that’s either feared, respected, abandoned or all of a sudden to0 good. Too good for what though? Medocrity?! Amongst many belief systems, I had to disregard them and think anew about several possibilities. Most of the time everything isn’t promised to you…in fact nothing is. Life again is hard, confusing but manageable if you know what role you’re going to play in it then claim it.
Some of us get in to this tangle on what area in our life we should push ourselves to become masters in. Not many own being a student of life where you’re forced to feel every good or bad hardship deeply. It’s uncomfortable and a road less advised to travel. In hindsight those are the ones who become masters of living the best lives. There’s a lot of pressure and expectation to have it all under control.Oour relationships, careers, finances, opinions just to meet societal standards at least half way is a gamble. To be vulnerable, fragile or bossy enough to challenge what’s expected is an oh no! We can’t be caught out there admitting, we’re trying to figure this whole life shit out right? Why, is that just too real?! So the facade coats itself thicker throughout the years leaving you on a silent spiral in keeping up with the joneses…
The choice to date, be in a relationship sometimes feels like it’s not even our own. We get into relationships with a foggy sense of self because we didn’t give ourselves enough time to decide our purpose or what we really want out of this life. To fill the void we cave, we cave out of a sense of hopefulness and desperation in not wanting to face the adversity of not rejecting the prototypes. You can take the life where you tell yourself someone is going to love you so much that they’ll erase the baggage before you do it on your own but remember life has it’s way of pinching you with regret.
I have no idea what path i’m on. Having to kill my beliefs that I could live happily ever after was hard but what a breakthrough to know I can create my own version of happy! I intend to live immensely, so deep that I’ll take the lonely days, misunderstood moments, including the dog days to challenge myself. No more sulking and no more waiting…love me or leave me I gotta be good with P first before anyone else…