At some point in your life your gonna want what you want and when you want it but just be able to own it!
I was going through one of my many changes, for once I wasn’t in “I want a boyfriend!” phase. This was a rear case, I’d been known to whine to my friends that if there wasn’t a new dude in my radar by the end of each passing year, I was going to prepare to join the convent. My new name would be Sister Mary P, and I planned to add very detailed accents to my nun frock of course, a little McQueen inspo (hehehe). Seriously though, without any prospects around and a lot of life shit on my plate, I had either too much or too little in the way for me to even be in the position to channel a partner. I sort of believe your soul has to shout “I’m ready now” and mine wasn’t, it was saying, “I wanna play…”
There was someone in mind, I’d been scoping out for a while. We shared mutual associates so doing a background check would be quick! I asked around very casually and everyone’s response was that he was very “cool.” I got nothing else but that very statement three times, “That’s it?!” I was just waiting to here juicy scoop or dirt on him but apparently he had a clean slate. My suspicions quickly turned into curiosity. This whole “cool” mystique sort of added to his allure.
I’ll call him Ease…Ease stood at basketball player height and was covered in tattoos . I would randomly run into him at parties and in passing but an exchange was never made, I was determined to be acquainted.
My best friend aka my life coach devised a strategy for me, the only resource was reaching out online (every girl should have a friend like this by the way, I’m SO lucky:) I had to go about this discreetly, wasn’t trying to get caught out there like some dm’ing thot. I had no idea what was going to come of this but I knew I wanted to kind of jump knee deep into finding out because he looked oh so good. Before hitting him up I lurked on his profile page just to see if this would potentially become a cat and mouse chase. Wasn’t interested in chasing at all, especially if he was normally the subject of lots of fanfare. If there was lots of heart eyed comments I knew I’d have to deal with ego and I don’t have patience for that. There was just a few of those but I wasn’t pressed. As long as he didn’t have a girl and I wasn’t breaking up a happy home, I was in the clear! Finally I hit him up via his social media account and inquired about wanting to get to know him better. To my surprise we connected immediately.
This wasn’t a normal attempt, I also did not anticipate the window of either being accepted or rejected. UGH! hate it! I’m not the boobs all up in the frame chick, I barely have any full length photos on my pages. I only allude intense desirability when it calls for it, I know when to turn it on and off. Based on what’s usually on the forefront these days on social media my demure profile page could of have been a hard sell, but I guess my glow’d up selfies prevailed!
We began to text here and there…I was looking forward to long phone calls and constant texts, I was looking for some more effort but since I initiated getting to know him, the ball was in my court. Guys do that annoying shit sometimes…I could respect it, plus he was waiting for me to interpret what we both wanted out of this. He knew I wasn’t a thirst bucket and that I was a little too smart and quick on my feet to be disregarded as just a lay so he tread carefully. After a night of drinks I finally decided to meet up with him and almost instantly there was a loud energy that filled the room that indicated that this wasn’t going to be a walk through the park kind of situation. Sometimes you don’t even have to say it you just know. The night was reaaaaal young and when you’re a smart single girl that has integrity, there’s no rules but yours!
A movie unfinished turned into a marathon of wall to wall debauchery. During a quick intermission, we chatted while semi-spooning. To be honest we didn’t talk about much other than the Brooklyn nightlife scene which I knew very little of. I make it a life long duty to never become a constant face on a scene, especially if these outings weren’t genuine. I wanted no dealings with events that didn’t present good vibes or an opportunity to grow my network or net worth. I wasn’t moved by the convo, our interests we’re severely different, we had nothing in common but good music. Our convo was cool but a bit dry so I zoned out by focusing my eyes onto his illustrated body that was highlighted by a blue glare from the night sky shining through his windows. I watched him in fascination, I was enamored by the strength in his legs and the cuts in his chest. First time in my life did I piece a guy apart like that. I felt like a man, I thought to myself is this why guys size us up, it was quite entertaining. After a couple more sessions I later woke up to a naked, tatted, snoring (sounded like choking) large guy next to me. Like most of us girls do, I began to get a closer glimpse from head to toe (low-key creep).
Naked, worn out sleeping guys tickle me, I was wrapped in an intense cuddle that was causing my arm to give out as well as sweat from the closeness. I feel like guys regress and become co-dependent baby boys while sleeping, it’s hilarious. Finally getting to pull myself away, he turned to reposition himself to pull me back in.
I glanced at him and thought awww how sweet. You see this is where the signals went off, I thought, affection? omg does he like me more than I think?, I think I like him too! This was gonna go left. I was adamant about making this a no-feelings situation. After all, this is the type of situation I told myself I needed but was I even capable? I was suppose to move like Robin Givens in Boomerang, just dip at sunset and leave the money on the night stand, the reality was I was more accustomed to pursuing this love shit. I was more Halle, a let’s build this happily ever after girl. Tuh!
Saved by an appointment in a few hours, I decided to put my clothes on and call a cab. Even though he walked me to the door tossing as he sleepily walked, I was expecting a walk to the cab and a “Hey cab driver, here’s a $20 for her cab fare?” Whenever I was a girlfriend or something close to it (LOL) a car ride home or the gesture to pay for cab fare was just a given but this was different. I felt low-key disrespected, I hated the feeling and got angry but I chicken-headily (yes I mad that up) gave it a first time pass. The second time it happened again, I told myself I wasn’t going over there again. I took ALL my anger out on him, we had a spat and faded the black for some months. There was a point where I was missing him, getting all territorial and shit. I low key almost made an attempt to go to a party because I knew he would be here. This was going to stop! We’d some how gotten on good terms again and resumed our arranged sessions. The sex was so good and I started to care less about his lack of ethics. Did I think he lacked some class in not being man enough to make sure a lady got in? Absolutely, was I a working girl who could take care of my own shit? Yes, and did I want a relationship, NO. I had to face hard facts, he wasn’t a boyfriend prospect and would never be. Plus, I learned when you proclaim your independence, guys turn a blind eye to chivalry in assumption that you always got it.
When the both of you have an agreement that sleeping with each other is solely a refuel when needed, the golden rule is to expect nothing less and nothing more. You’ll be waiting for cloud 9 for a quite a while or NEVER… Don’t expect the perks of being a girlfriend, because your not! You just have to accept that you might not hear from him until he’s up and Adam or vice versa. You might have to pay for your own cab fare and take the forehead kisses over the long embraces of not wanting you to leave.You may not even get the “did you get home safe?”text. All may seem rude and to some degree it is but those are the losses you might take having a Cuddy Buddy…
The silver lining is the luxury of choice. Some of us don’t have the time or even have the energy to invest in the responsibility of a partner, accepting this is the first step to getting your life! Me and Ease had this discussion and he admit that at the time he was oblivious to the whole cab issue because I came across super career-oriented and independent.Blah! Whatever the deal was, we somehow at a point remained commited to play our position. I hope you do the same when or if you embark on the adventures of getting your needs met.